Truth and nothing but the truth
by manipi
Summary: Well... this is just what I would imagine Qhuinn and Blay tell eachother. Truth...There isn't any background to this, I don't know when they would tell eachother these words. In my mind, this is what I imagine them feeling. I am writing fanfic about Qhuinn and Blay it is about time and there I will use some of this, but right now these are just thoughts. What I imagine them sayin.
1. Chapter 1

I just wanted to tell you that you are all I ever wanted and all I ever dreamed of. It has always been you and in quite moments like these I can not deny it. The feeling burns through me, it consumes me and all I want to do is run to you, take you in my arms and never let go. I can not hide this anymore, not from myself, from you or the world nor do I want to.

You deserve explanation from me. Hell, you deserve so much more from me than that. I know what I have done to you, how much heartbreak I have caused you and frankly I would understand if you never, ever wanted to speak to me again but I feel the need to tell you all of this. You need to know the truth. No matter what happens in our lives, if we ever find our way back to what we once were or if we go our separate ways I want you to know that your love was not unanswered. You just fell in love with one confused motherfucker who did not have enough courage in him to embrace the feelings he had for you. I should have welcomed those feelings, thanked the Scribe Virgin for them and been proud of the fact that this perfect male wanted me and only me. But as always, I was an idiot and threw it all away.

It probably is to late for us. You have moved on with your life and I know that I am being selfish by telling you this now but you need to know and I need to tell you. My life has been a hell of a ride so far. I haven't lived that long, but sometimes I feel like I have centuries behind me. You know what it has been like for me. My family never wanted a defect like me and they made sure as hell that I knew that. They have always denied me everything, even the simplest things like love and affection that parents naturally show their kids. Mine never did. My mismatched eyes aren't normal, they told me, not accepted. I wasn't normal and therefore I would never be accepted in their world, glymerra world. And even though I hate myself for that now I needed that acceptance. I needed to be a part of that world so fucking bad and I knew that the love that you and I shared for each other would never grant me a ticket there. So I lived in denial and I cut you of. The love of my life, the one and only person that I ever loved, and ever will love. I know that now. I told myself that I wanted a female in my life, a shellan and a young, and that that would help me into glymerra. And then finally, I would be accepted. I would finally be happy. But it was all based on a lie and on a child's dream. When I lost you that day on the balcony I realized that I lost everything. My light, my happiness, my heart, my body, my soul, my dreams, my life and myself.

I know that I was cruel and that you did not deserve those words from me. And as hard as it may be for you to believe what I am about to tell you, it is the truth. During my childhood you were the only light I had. You have always been there for me. Never questioning, never treating me differently, never feeling sorry for me and you always made me feel like the most important person in the world. What can I tell you, you were, are, my angel. For me you were, and still are, the ultimate perfection, everything good and pure. You deserved so much more than me. No way I was going to ruin you. Not only would you get me as a mate, a defect and reject, but you would be rejected from glymera also and how could I live with myself if I did that to you. So I did everything in my power to make you hate me. To make you stop looking at me with love and affection that was always reflected in your sapphire blue eyes when they looked at me. I dreaded the day I crossed that line, but I kept going. If you hated me, then you would move on and find somebody that was worthy of you. Not that anybody would ever be worthy of you, but still, somebody a whole lot of better than me. So I lied to you. I told you I did not return your feelings and to rub it in your face even more I slept around. Anybody would do as long as you were there to see me. I saw your heartbroken face and it killed me every time but I thought that I was doing you a favor. You needed to hate me, to move on. And eventually I crossed that line and my wish came true. You hardly ever look at me anymore and you have a male of worth by your side now. I may think whatever of him, I may want to rip him apart and throw away the peaces, but he is a male of worth. And he can grant you what I never will be able to. Acceptance.

We are not pretrans anymore. We are grown males now and we both have learned how difficult life can be at times. You are not a child and you do not need my help in deciding what you want in life or how you want to live it. Or with who. I am sorry that I let my insecurities get the best of me and I am sorry for denying you. I thought that I was doing what was best for you but who am I to decide what you need and what you want. Nobody but you has the right to make that choice for yourself. I was a coward. You have always known how our situation would be and how glymerra would see things and you never cared. I know that you have tried to tell me this, but I have been so focused on my own way of seeing things. In my mind I was right and you were wrong and that's that.

As for myself, well, I am a grown male now, a soldier of the Black Dagger Brotherhood and ahstrux nohtrum for John Matthew but I still feel insecurities linger in my mind. Deep inside of my soul I feel like a defect they told me I was and no matter how much I try I can not bring myself to forget that. But I have accepted it. Somehow I have made peace with the fact that my eyes will always make me different and I can live with it. Glymerra, those bastards, can go to hell.

So, what now? Well, I don't know. I just needed to tell you this. I love you. I love you so much that I sometimes don't know what to do with myself. Sometimes I have to lock myself in my room and prevent myself from running to you. I am constantly avoiding you because I don't trust myself. And at the same time I'm always looking for you. At every meal, every meeting, every party, everywhere I go. I'm secretly looking at you and for the most part you show no emotions. No happiness, no sadness. You just are. But then there are times when you think that no one is looking that sadness takes you over and in those times it becomes so clear in you face. And that sadness is part of the reason why I'm telling you this. I want you to know the truth about me so if I'm the reason for that sad face then you can let it go. Be happy, with whoever you chose.

Cards are in your hands now. I can understand if you don't want the same thing from me now that you once wanted, and I can accept the fact that you have moved on. I will respect it. Hell, I will even force myself to respect him if you chose to stay with him. I don't wanna pressure you but I am begging you. I don't expect anything from you and like I said before I do understand if you never, ever want to speak to me again. I don't deserve you, but I need you. Anything you can offer me I will gladly take. I just want to come back into your life, anyway I can. I miss you. I miss your friendship. I miss what we once were. I miss everything that we once could have been.

So with all of that said I don't know what else to say except I love you. Believe it or not I have always been yours. Your happiness is what keeps me going. So be happy with whoever you want, I will never deny you myself ever again. I am giving myself to you, every last peace of me. Please find it in your heart to forgive me.


	2. Chapter 2

Cards are in my hands, you say. Well, that's a first. I have grown costumed to being one step behind you, with you in charge leading the way of our relationship. You were always one step ahead of me, within my reach but yet to far away. So close that I could almost touch you, but every time I come to close somehow the gap increases and takes you couple steps ahead. If you want me to be honest then you have to be able to take the truth. You have always been the one for me and I have long time ago accepted the fact that you were never going to be mine. You left this feeling of emptiness behind you that has made its way into my heart, and settled there. It has become a part of me, it reminds me of you and what we once were, what we will never be. Or so I thought.

I can't remember the first time I realized that I loved you. God knows how many times I have thought about it, trying to figure out when it all started to change, when you became more than a friend to me. But I don't know what, when or where it happened, what triggered these feelings. And the more I thought about it the more I realized that it wasn't one moment kind of thing. My feelings for you have grown in course of years passing and I wasn't able to stop them. Now, as a grown male, I feel like I have always loved you, always craved for you and always wished that you would be mine.

We have grown up together, side by side. You say that I was the light in your life and that makes me warm inside. It makes me happy to know that being my friend meant that much to you because, honestly, lately I have been doubting that I have ever meant anything to you. That day on the balcony, when you broke everything of with me, it felt like it was so easy for you to just throw me aside. Your words are embedded inside my head and in quite, lonely, dark moments I hear them loud and clear, replaying in my mind: "Take care of yourself". You were very aware of the fact that I knew what those words meant and I knew that you said them with one purpose. You were saying good bye to me in your own way. So I got the message and even though it killed me I let you go. I tried to respect your wishes and leave you be, but you have no idea how hard it has been. You say I never look your way anymore and you have no idea how wrong you are. I am always watching you. I miss you, and not just because this love thing I have for you, but I miss being your friend, I miss talking to you, joking around like we always did.

I know what life has been for you. What your family did, how they treated you, was unforgiving and believe me I was suffering right along with you. Remember, I was right there seeing everything. So many times I have wished that I could spare you, take you away from them and take your pain away. Your insecurities are understandable and I know how long you have had them. But you are beautiful. Your eyes are my favorite part of you, one blue and one green. They make you unique, not a defect, but the most beautiful male on Earth. I wish that you could see yourself through my eyes for just one moment. I have always seen you as male of worth that you truly are. Your good heart, helpful ways and always caring about those close to you. You have become an important part of Black Dagger Brotherhood, a fierce warrior and what you do for John Matthew is amazing. I am very proud of you.

Your explanation means more to me than you will ever know. I never saw you as cruel och mean, not even after everything you have done. I knew how you felt about the Glymerra and how important it has been for you to become part of that world. A shellan and a young of your own would help you on your way and I never wanted to deny you that. Even thought I always loved you I wanted you to be happy. And if having a shellan in your life would make you happy then I could have lived with that. What made me question you character and resent you was the way you treated me. You told me that you didn't feel the same way as I did and fine, there was nothing I could have done about it, but I didn't understand why you needed to rub it in my face. All of those women and men you did right in front of me. God, I am not saying this to hurt you now but you need to know how I feel. What you did left me heartbroken. My heart fell apart peace by peace with every person you were with and the final peace fell when you denied me. You wanted everybody except me and I didn't understand why. So you see, your explanation means everything to me right now, I needed to know that I was right, that you were not just being cruel och mean. And now that I think about it I see that part of your explanation is pretty stupid, quite frankly. As you pointed out yourself, I am not a child and I can take care of myself. I can make my own choices and stand by them. I have always been aware of the Glymerra ways and how they would see things, and honestly, I never cared about them. I have no need in being part of that world. You were all I cared about, always have and always will.

Even though I am tempted to let you take all the blame for our present situation I can not since you are not only one to blame. You say that I am perfect, but truly, I am not. It is not your fault that I fell in love with you. You couldn't have done anything about that, couldn't have changed it no mater how hard you tried. And I couldn't coupe with the fact that you didn't feel the same way. I pressured you to hard and scared you away. I know that now and I am sorry too. It was never my intention to make things weird between us or to make us go our separate ways. I was willing to suppress my feelings just to keep being your friend but sometimes we can not control what we feel or do. And I expected to much to fast from you. So we are both to blame in a way and I truly hope that we can find or way back to each other.

Which brings me to your declaration of love. Your words are beautiful and i have waited for so long to hear them. But they are scaring me. Believe me I want to jump and run to you, but I am scared out of my mind. I don't know what to do or how to react. I just know one thing. I can't take any more rejection from you. I'm being honest with you, you are my week spot. Everything else I can survive and deal with, but being rejected by you, once again with my guard down, that I don't know if I can coupe with. I want to believe you, but you have to prove yourself to me. I know that it is not what you want to hear, but right now it is all I have to give. I need time. I need to see that you are serious about this. That there are some actions behind your beautiful words. So I am giving the cards back to you, with encouragement from me to try and do your best and I promise that I will meet you half way.

And one last thing. I know that you are worried about mine and his relationship. I need to explain something to you. Not mater how hard it is for you to hear this it is the truth and you need to know. You can't hate him. After you broke everything of with me, he was the one that picked up the peaces and put them back together. He has been there for me, and for that I will forever be grateful to him, but he has always been aware of how I feel and who I feel it for. That has never been a secret between me and him. He knows that my heart will always be yours and no mater what he does that will never, ever change. Nobody can take that part of me away from you. So I can never chose anybody else over you, you know that. And God Qhuinn, I do forgive you. How could I not? But like I said, I need time to trust you again. even if I want to I can't forget everything that went on in a blink of an eye and pretend that it never happened, because it did happen.

So, what now? First I want you to know that I love you, never doubt that. I have always loved you. Second, well, we have to try to find our way back to that great friendship of ours. And everything else we will have to work on. I will meet you halfway, I promise, but I need more prof from you that you mean this. That you are not just saying these beautiful things because you believe that it is what I want to hear. So try your best and so will I and we will see what future holds for us.


End file.
